erika
01-22-2003, 04:50 PM
I had this posted on my Horse club,
Letter To The Bank
Below is an actual letter sent to a bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive
at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as
follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
Letter To The Bank
Below is an actual letter sent to a bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will,
therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive
at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as
follows:
1.- To make an appointment to see me.
2.- To query a missing payment.
3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. -To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date
to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client