and for the old Brits amongst us....
CLIVE:
Er, I'll tell you the worst job I ever had.
DEREK:
What was that?
CLIVE:
The worst job I ever had was with Jayne Mansfield. You know, she was a fantastic bird, you know .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... big tits, huge bum, and everything like that, but I had the terrible job of retrieving lobsters from her bum.
DEREK:
Really? Bloody hell, that must have been a task.
CLIVE:
Well, it was quite a task 'cause she had a big bum .....
DEREK:
Well, I remember.
CLIVE:
..... and they were big lobsters.
DEREK:
I remember she had a huge bum.
CLIVE:
Well, she had one and, er, you know, presumably in the afterlife .....
DEREK:
(belches) Oh dear.
CLIVE:
Shut up ..... she still has one. But I had to, used to go round, you know, of an evening .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... when Jayne was sleeping or sort of comatose, like, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... you know, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, just lying there.
DEREK:
Comatose.
CLIVE:
And the ne-
DEREK:
'Coma-toes to her head' huh-huh-huh.
CLIVE:
'Coma-toes to her head' - shut up.
DEREK:
(coughs)
CLIVE:
And, er, I had to retrieve these lobsters from her arsehole.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, I remember she had a lot of trouble with-, with lobsters up her arsehole.
CLIVE:
Well, you see, the lobsters .....
DEREK:
Basically, she suffered from, er, what was known in-, in the medical trade as 'lobsters-up-the-arsehole'.
CLIVE:
Well, this is what it said scientifically, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... 'lobsters-up-the-bum', you know .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... this was the scientific, er, term for it but, you know, in general terms it was known as 'Lobsterisimus -um- Bummakisimus'.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
And it was my job every evening to go round to Jayne .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... who was a sweet girl.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Sweet, charming, shy, mysterious girl .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and get these fucking lobsters out of her arsehole.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Which is so tricky because she was a very sensitive woman, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
I used to go round there every evening and these lobsters, you know, she used to go out bathing in Malibu .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... which is where she used to go out bathing.
DEREK:
Yeah, oh, Malibu, yeah.
CLIVE:
Malibu, yes. Malibu-de-bum-bum. And, erm, up went the lobsters - boing! - straight up her arsehole.
DEREK:
Well, I think, you know, I think she brought it on herself, really, didn't she?
CLIVE:
Not so much brought them on herself as so much encouraged them, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... by the flagrant display which she got up to.
DEREK:
Well, I think she was a dirty cow.
CLIVE:
Well .....
DEREK:
And being .....
CLIVE:
No, n-, no, no, be fair, be fair. You can call her a dirty cow but, let's face it, a lot of lobsters fancied her bum.
DEREK:
Yeah, well, I think, I-, let's face it, I think it was a fifty-fifty arrangement. I think that-, I-, I don't .....
CLIVE:
Yeah. The lob-, the lobsters didn't say, "we have the upper hand", .....
DEREK:
No.
CLIVE:
..... Jayne didn't say, "we have the upper hand" .....
DEREK:
There was no-, there was no feeling of, er, domination.
CLIVE:
No. It was a .....
DEREK:
A-, fif-
CLIVE:
..... fifty-fifty thing.
DEREK:
I think the lobsters got quite a nip out of it .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Uh-huh-huh. And, er, I think Jayne got a lot out of it.
CLIVE:
Yeah, but it was my job, my job to retrieve the lobsters from her bum after the event.
DEREK:
What event?
CLIVE:
Post hoc, te proct.
DEREK:
P-post what?
CLIVE:
Post hoc, te proct.
DEREK:
Oh, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
That's what it is in Latin, you know, .....
DEREK:
What-
CLIVE:
..... getting lobsters out of people's bums, after they've, er, .....
DEREK:
Oh, post hoc, te proct.
CLIVE:
Yes, yeah.
DEREK:
Well, when ..... (clears throat)
CLIVE:
But she was a sweet girl and I wouldn't knock her.
DEREK:
Well, I gather you wouldn't, no.
CLIVE:
No, I gather I wouldn't. But I'll tell you one thing Tony Newley said to me .....
DEREK:
What was that?
CLIVE:
"Who are you?"
DEREK:
Yeah? Just like that.
CLIVE:
Just like that. And I thought that made Tony Newley a-, a wonderful human being.
DEREK:
Did I tell you, the other day some bloke came up to me and .....
CLIVE:
What, Tony Newley?
DEREK:
No, no, I don't know who it was, and he said, "You cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "What?" He said, "You cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah. And you replied, "You fucking cunt".
DEREK:
I said-, I-, no, well, not straight away, I said, "You cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, .....
DEREK:
And then he said .....
CLIVE:
..... what'd he come back with?
DEREK:
He come back. He says-, he said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "You calling me ..... "
CLIVE:
You're joking! He said, "You fucking cunt"?
DEREK:
He-, yeah, he said, "You call me a cunt, you fucking c-?" I said, "You f-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
I should hope so, "you fucking cunt".
DEREK:
I s-, I said, "You fucking cunt", I said, "You fucking come here and call me a fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
I should say so.
DEREK:
I said, "You f-", I said, "You cunt". I said, "You fucking cunt". I said, "Who you fucking calling 'cunt', cunt?"
CLIVE:
Yeah, what did he say, cunt?
DEREK:
He said, "You fucking cunt!"
CLIVE:
Well, you fucking cunt, who are you to say to him that he was a fucking cunt?
DEREK:
Well, what d'you fu-, what d'you fucking think, mate, I fucking de-, defending my fucking self, weren't I?
CLIVE:
Well, no, he come up to you, call you "cunt", .....
DEREK:
Yeah!
CLIVE:
..... that's fair enough, what he said, "you fucking cunt", and you said back to him, "you fucking fucking cunt".
DEREK:
I sa-, well, .....
CLIVE:
Well, what do you expect him to say back apart from, "You fucking stupid fucking cunt!"
DEREK:
Well, I don't-, I don't expect nothing, do I?
CLIVE:
No.
DEREK:
But the f-, the cunt come back with, "you fucking cunt", cunt.
CLIVE:
Well, Christ, .....
DEREK:
I said, "You cunt?" I said, "You calling me a fucking cunt .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... You fucking-", I said, "You fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
Jesus Christ, yeah.
DEREK:
I said, "You-", I said, "You, you fucking cunt".
CLIVE:
Yeah, what-
DEREK:
I said, like that.
CLIVE:
You said it like that, did you, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... to him, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... or was he gone by then?
DEREK:
No, he fucking hit me. Fu-
CLIVE:
Hit you, did he?
DEREK:
Yeah, fucking cunt.
CLIVE:
Killed you dead, did he?
DEREK:
Nah, he-, he fucking hit me. I said, I said, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, you can't blame him, can you?
DEREK:
I said, "You, you rotter".
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
And he-, he went off.
CLIVE:
Did he?
DEREK:
And he said, "You cunt" again.
CLIVE:
Well, 't's the only way to deal with him, 'init?
DEREK:
Yeah, well, I-, I showed him, didn't I?
CLIVE:
Yeah, well, you had to, didn't you? You had to stand up for what you stood for, didn't you? I mean, the only time I remember a similar occasion was, I was in, errm, I was at Spurs, Tottenham Hotspurs.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
I was watching a game against Arsenal, and this bloke come up to me and said, "Hello".
DEREK:
Oh no .....
CLIVE:
And I thought, "Christ!"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
You know, this bloke comes up to me, says "hello", .....
DEREK:
Provocative fucker.
CLIVE:
..... fucking provocative.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
I said, "What d'you mean, 'hello'?" And, do you know what he came back with?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
He said, erm, "I just meant, 'hello'" I said, "Hur hur, I can sussed you out .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... right, for a starter, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
..... 'ere, get this in the bollocks for a start!" So I kicked him right in the balls, he fell to the floor, and as he fell to the floor he said, "Euuughh!" I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!"
DEREK:
I-, yeah, like he comes in with 'hello' and then goes out with 'euuughh'.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I said, "Don't you 'Euuughh' me, mate!" and I kicked his fucking teeth in!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Then he went, "Aaaghh!", and I said, "Fucking hell! .....
DEREK:
I said, "This is fucking too much", eh?
CLIVE:
..... Don't you fucking 'Aaaghh' me!"
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And I really kicked his ear in, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
Bunged him right in the ear with the left boot.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And, d'you know he still had the audacity to come out with, "Hugh-eugh-ugh-eugh-ugh I'm dying!" Well, what could I say to that? I just walked away. I left the situation. I wasn't going to be, you know, put upon in that way.
DEREK:
You weren't going to be dictacted to, were you?
CLIVE:
Well, no, why should I be dictated to?
DEREK:
No, exactly, no.
CLIVE:
By some cunt who says 'euuughh!'
DEREK:
Yeah, preceding it with 'hello'!
CLIVE:
Yeah. 'Hello' was the worst thing, that's what got me going.
DEREK:
Fucking cunt, yeah, what a cunt.
CLIVE:
What a cunt, eh?
RIP Peter Cook and Dudley Moore